“Why do you believe in Jesus/God?” As Christians, this is a question we are familiar with and we are asked to “always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you” (1 Peter 3:15). Not only is this an amazing opportunity to share the gospel, it is also a chance to share how knowing Jesus has changed our lives. This can be challenging. How can I adapt my answer so they can understand how God has worked in my life? How intense is too intense? Will they be uncomfortable hearing about certain issues? Should I give a full story or a partial snapshot? I find that the more opportunities I have to share, the more I trust that God will guide me and use it to speak to the listener.
I was raised believing in the existence of God and I knew of a man named Jesus Christ. I also attended a secondary school with Christian values. Assemblies took place daily in the cathedral where we sleepily murmured our way through hymns and prayers before the 9am lessons commenced. It was during my early years at this school, which had a strong emphasis on academic achievement, where my problems began. What started as anxiety morphed into depression which intertwined to fuel the more aggressive anorexia nervosa. Self-harm and suicidal thoughts ran rampant. When I had reached the tipping point and was seriously considering taking my life, there were three paths I could take:
End my life - arguably the easiest option. I was indignant and hesitated to commit to this plan. Something inside me thought there was surely more to life than what I could see. I was tired and in pain but still, I ruled this out.
Continue in my ways - the most painful option. I felt trapped, like I was barely existing, and knew I would circle back to option 1. But if that option was already ruled out then logically, I could only choose:
Change - the hardest and most effortful option. Would I choose life, even if it cost me everything I thought I knew about myself and the world?
God’s timing is perfect. I was introduced to church in early 2017 by my parents. I attended Sunday school where I studied the Bible with a rotating group of leaders. I listened to how God formed the world, how He pursued relationships with His people repeatedly and how He gave His one and only Son to die for our sins, all because of His love for us. I asked copious questions to understand these truths. I was amazed that this awesome Creator could love and want a relationship with someone as broken as me. I did not have to meet certain criteria or do anything spectacular for Him to love me. This love made me question my beliefs, my values and my core identity. This love made me believe that change was possible. This love made me choose life. Half a year after I began attending church, I was ready to call myself a Christian. A couple of years later, I decided to actively follow Him.
Why is this story titled Holding On? My issues did not vanish overnight. It has been a slow change with doubting, backsliding and pushing Him away. Periods where old ways of thinking do flare up and can feel discouraging. Holding onto truths like “he will never leave [us] nor forsake [us] (Deuteronomy 31:6) and “the Lord is good and His love endures forever” (Psalms 100:5) have given me strength to persevere through these periods because I know they are temporary and I look forward to the day when “He will wipe every tear from [our] eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain” (Revelation 21:4).
For some time, I have questioned why I had to experience those things. In retrospect, I am thankful because if I had not experienced a pain that led to me questioning why I was on this earth, I might not have allowed God in. More importantly, I am thankful that God can use these experiences to speak to someone who needs to “taste and see that the Lord is good” (Psalms 34:8) or as an encouragement to “run with perseverance the race marked out for us” (Hebrews 12:1). Praise the Lord.