'As vulnerable as I can be' was the first thing I wrote down on my devotional notebook the day I got the first rejection phone call from a job. It was 17 March 2021, I remembered it vividly because it was a beautiful, sunny day. Then I started to write down how I felt. I thought - perhaps one day, it could be the beginning of my testimony. Lest did I know how long I would’ve walked this journey since then. I knew from the beginning that this is a journey that I had to walk with God alone – there is a purpose that He wants me to walk this journey alone.
This was not the first time that I walked with God to face uncertainty in the future. However, it was the first time that I could not hear from God for a long period. I kept praying, I kept reading the Bible, I kept asking, I kept seeking. Still, I could not hear from Him. His silence seemed to be the only thing I could sense. During such time, I’ve felt like navigating the next chapter of my life in a misty, foggy forest, where I think I vaguely know where I want to go next, but I couldn’t find that path to get myself to the other side.
Then I started to wonder if my will was different than God’s will – was that the reason why I couldn’t hear from Him for so long? This thinking just crashed me as a believer - I started to question if I had been forcing my will on something that would never happen? I often found myself crying in despair on my own, praying to God for His will to be done and asking God to reveal His will. Still, a lot of times I had nothing but His silent responses. When times like this kept going on, I would have mental breakdowns once or twice each month, for several months. Up to a point that I was tired of feeling tired, I learned from His Word that I could do something different - focusing on how to live fully, one day at a time.
I learned fasting with the goal to pray for breakthroughs. I learned to memorise His Word in my heart before I went to sleep each day. I learned to pray more for others. I learned to be more open about my own vulnerability. I learned how to narrow down the focus on my job search. I learned to step out to help others. I learned to find something to be thankful for God each day. I still did not know whether I was heading in the right direction, but each little change had helped me experience three things from God’s teaching.
Stay still. This is contradicting my own nature, as I like to keep myself engaged in doing things. Seemingly not doing anything makes me easily to panic. Yet God says – “Be still, and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10). It speaks to me instantly, all this time that His ‘silence’ is teaching me how to stay still even when I couldn’t hear from Him. The more I am prone to panic, the more I need to stay still and remember who He is. I dig in God's Word, believing God is in control of the things that seemed to wall up to turn me away from making any progress or the things I have no control over.
Faith. This is probably one of the hardest things to describe to others, even I challenge myself at times – “How do I know I am not having a blind faith?” The faith I find most amazingly deep and vast is “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.” (Hebrews 11:1). God knows that I am not confident, and I don’t even know what my future would be. God challenges me - to put faith in Him, not in myself nor in my own situations. God continues to test me, because He wants to know how important the things I pray to Him about are to me.
Trust. This is a word that I have learned to perceive more of as a verb than just as a noun. When I think I have given God all the trust I can, He tells me to keep digging. The feeling is like I have already been down on my knees and hands, just barely crawling to get through each day, He still puts loads of weight on me and asks me to keep finding more trust and keep giving Him more. I am close to burnout already, how can I keep giving Him more? Again, He speaks to me, “When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.” (Psalm 56:3). Placing trust in God is telling God about my fears and handing them over to Him, in exchange, God gives me peace. The moments I find hard to believe, the moments I am overwhelmed and crushed, I repeat to myself, "I trust You, Lord, even when I am afraid."
All these three things have helped me to experience real changes in life.
Even though I have run out of my own savings, God is gracious to bless my family to have the capabilities to help me in the way they can until I can support myself again.
Even though I have been studying mostly at home during my master’s course, God is gracious to bless me with friends, as my cheerleaders and listeners to encourage me all the way.
Even though I have been turned down from different jobs, God is gracious to bless me to receive valuable feedbacks and from those feedbacks, I know my strengths and weaknesses.
Even though I have had more non-responses than being invited to interviews, God is gracious to bless me to become more natural and prepared in answering different questions.
Even though I have been feeling weary and burdened, God is faithful to bring me out of each difficulty and places amazing people around me to make His love available for me through them.
God lets me know it’s ok to take a break, it’s ok to rest, it’s ok to feel the way I feel. He knows I am lost, I am fearful, I am only hanging in there. His promises are true. His Word carries power. He will make it happen at His divine timing.
It was 17 November 2021, I remembered it vividly because it was another beautiful, sunny day. I got a phone call. God had answered my prayers. I find myself crying again, only being filled with tears of gratefulness and joy. 245 days, 35 weeks, or 8 months - this is how long I had been walking on this journey.
Looking back, the moments that I started to notice walls fall, barriers removed, doors opened, paths cleared, were not because of how capable I am. It was because I started to shift my focus away from myself and reshift my focus on a loving and relational God, who is not limited by my circumstances and who loves you and me, deeply and dearly.
Thank You Lord, for being so gracious and faithful to me. I pray for my loved ones and people who are in need, that You would lead them and guide them. May You give them strength and wisdom to get through each day. Thank You Lord, for being our God. Amen.